Ever heard that feeling bad, may be good?!! Until we acknowledge reoccurring discomfort and decide to do something about it, things rarely improve. In a conversation with a colleague this week I was reminded of how we, as women, often have years of conditioning that suggests that we should tend to other’s needs first. This conditioning can affect our selection of a profession, a spouse, where we live, etc. That conditioning can also affect our own internal guidance system. Once our own guidance system is compromised, we can be on a path to burnout.
So, how do you re-engage your internal guidance system?
1) Give yourself permission to feel, particularly those emotions we tend to label as negative – anger, fear, depression, etc. Notice when you feel dissonance whether in your gut or your heart, or you just have a hunch. Pay attention. Ask yourself, “What’s off, what’s not working for me?” A client who was never allowed to express her dissent as a child recently was delighted when she realized that she had given a presenter feedback that that person had missed the mark because she had not delivered the results promised. Until we talked my client had not realized that she had indeed paid attention to her feelings and done something constructive with them.
2) Track your satisfaction level. All of us have job and relationship challenges, however, sometimes we don’t pay attention to how long we have been dissatisfied and what about. A good way to become aware of the toll that the job or relationship may be taking on you is to journal about the source of dissonance on a regular basis. Start by exploring the pros and cons of the job, relationship, etc. What can you do or have you done to shift things?
3) Notice what your beliefs are about your situation. I know as a teenager, I didn’t believe it was appropriate to rebel against my parent’s requests or values. Thus, it wasn’t until I was selecting a spouse that my ‘rebel’ showed up; my fiancé mirrored my own rebel! At 26 I finally had enough distance, literally, from my parents that I believed, “Yes, I can choose my own spouse, values, etc.” (I would not recommend this being a way to select a spouse, and doing so provided many lessons along the way!)
Getting perspective on your situation is not always easy when we are simply having conversations with ourselves or with loved ones who have vested interests. Using a coach or counselor may be a valuable alternative to going solo.
In the meantime, reflect on:
- How am responding to my emotions such as anger, fear and shame?
- What am I doing with my persistent dissatisfaction (with a job, relationship, etc.)?
- What is my current belief about my options in my current situation?
Dissonance may, indeed, provide some gems for us if we “polish it” and learn what it has to tell us.
