Oh, yeah! As seasoned women you and I may feel a bit jaded about following our hearts.  However, as a coach I have come to trust that each of us can touch into a deeper wisdom through our hearts.
 
Several years ago I discovered that there is scientific evidence supporting the wisdom of the heart.  Heartmath Institute provides multiple practices to enhance our connection with the rythm and deep resonance of our hearts. Some of the practices even allow you to visualize how well you are in alignment with your heart.  Being centered in the heart, one is able to think more clearly, stay in a more harmonious state and make choices from a grounded place.

My spiritual roots are quite eclectic.  Thus, even though I am not a practicing Sufi, I often return to the trusted pathway provided by a Sufi tradition.  The Sufis both calm the mind and tune into the heart through the practice of “Remembrance” which has you visually focus on the heart.

This weekend, as I watched the movie Eat, Pray, Love I was reminded that the journey back to the heart’s wisdom can take time.  Julia Roberts portraying Elizabeth Gilbert found her way back to her heart by focusing initially on things she loves: travel, pasta, and the Italian language. That external focus left her happier and more confident of her choices.  However, reoccurring thoughts of her failed marriage reminded her that she had deeper work to do so she headed for India to specifically calm her heart and mind through Sidah Yoga.  She sensed that if she immersed herself in the practices taught at the ashram, she would eventually feel at one with herself, and it worked. 

 Finally aligned with her own heart and with a quieted mind, she was then free to go to Bali.  There she attracted a kindred spirit who also had been through a difficult divorce and was on a path to healing.  Together they learned to trust themselves and then to trust each other.  And, yes, today they are happily married.

• What are the simple things that delight you?
•  What practices are you using to refine and follow the wisdom of your heart?

*This phrase is one of Julia Cameron as expressed in Blessings.
Here is another link that captures the impact of using the “Remembrance.”

Ever feel like you’re trapped inside a snow globe and someone turned it over and gave it a good shake? When I’m not choosing a new adventure and my world turns upside down anyway, it can be very unnerving. It’s a good time to sit down and check in with myself. What part of me is confident we can weather the storm, and what part of me is upset?

 We all have many facets to our personalities, and for me, it is often the little girl within who doesn’t like things to change. She likes to know that everything is OK, and that someone is looking out for her. When things get a little crazy, and I start feeling anxious, it isn’t the “large and in-charge” part of me that is acting up; it is the insecure little one who starts shouting for attention.                               

 While my adult mind is saying,”We’ll get through this, keep calm. Attend to what’s most important,” the little one (or ones) inside are shouting “What’s happening? I hate this! Make it be like it was before!” It’s like trying to drive down the street when the kids are screaming and fighting in the backseat. In that case we need to pull over and talk to the ones making all of the racket. Once everyone has been heard, we can restore order.

When I do have the wisdom to tune in, and give the insecure parts of me a chance to express their fears, the feeling of chaos usually subsides.  I have a couple of tools that I’ve found useful to do this. Journaling is a good way to let the little girl speak up.  I write down questions and then write down her answers. Another tool I find useful when my clients are stuck, or overwhelmed with anxiety, is Voice Dialogue, which allows all aspects of a personality to be heard. Giving voice to these different aspects usually is calming and allows the whole of me to move to a new level of flexibility and resourcefulness.  

 So, if change is shaking up your world, take time to listen to your little one. Trying to ignore her just escalates the intensity of her anxiety.  If you give her voice, she’ll help you stay in balance and you’ll enjoy a more peaceful journey (even if it is upside down in a snowstorm).

At the end of May I felt a lot like a slug.  It was a familiar feeling, like slowly sinking over the edge into burn-out.  Tasks loomed large and no amount of pushing seemed to get them done.   I surveyed the situation and one major energy drain stood out.  I had been putting time, energy and money into a second business venture that wasn’t panning out.

As I looked over the edge; the choices appeared to be burn-out or letting go.   The choice of letting go was complicated by the fact that I really like and respect the team I worked with.  However, once I had all of the parting conversations, there was a significant sense of relief and liberation.  I let go of the heavy stress I had been carrying.  Congratulations were in order.

My next commitment was to rest, to step away and give myself a much needed vacation.  Stepping away is a bit scary when YOU are the business.  (Will I really ever want to come back???)  Well, I am delighted to tell you that I did step away for ten days and spent a good part of that time with family in the sunshine!  Now, that I am refreshed,  I am choosing daily to embrace lightness, contentment and levity.

When I stepped back into the flow of my life and my business, I had a conversation with a colleague who is a fellow coach, Anita Schamber.  She does a lot of work with faith-based communities and suggested that what she found works is “Let God.  Let go.  Let’s Go.”  Ho! I could just feel the relief as I thought of how that could indeed be a new mantra for me.  Interestingly since returning from my vacation I have felt a real draw to let go of lots of clutter, physical and mental.  This new three-part mantra seems to fit perfectly.

Now, I sense I am on a different edge, one that feels much more like a launch pad, and a poem that portrays this beautifully is by Cindy McMeekin  from her book “Awakening the Soul.”*

Stand with me on the edge
Where we can express our passions fully
Speak our truths loudly
Live our dreams boldly
Laugh from the bottom of our belly
And dance with the freedom of a child.

*Get a copy of “Awakening the Soul”
Soul Awakening Publishing
P.O. Box 217
Southworth, WA  98386

For years I’ve know I had a penchant for drama, but I thought I had reduced the Queen’s role to a bit part.  As Memorial Day weekend approached I had a newsletter deadline looming.  The topic was burn-out and after two versions, I had no satisfaction.  I turned to a trusted advisor and she nailed it, you’re in burn-out!  Moi, ME, I am in BURN OUT, you’ve got to be kidding!  The Drama Queen began to rant and rave.  Then came a sigh of recognition. 

Yes, I had known what would make me a super visible, hip marketer in today’s social media world, but had no energy to make it happen.  So, the Drama Queen had managed to cover up reality with her moans and groans rather than accept it.  Now what?!  I took the long weekend off with a gentle commitment to find pleasure in small things.  Over the weekend, a dear friend demonstrated how she is easily moving into the bliss of retirement.  Now, that was appealing!  I’d like two scoops of that please! 

With these new revelations I gently started out the week and Providence provided.  Loretta LaRoche’s  book Relax, you may only have a few minutes left jumped off the shelf at me.  From my reading I realized my perfectionist had conspired with the Drama Queen to have me running in place for some time.  Loretta shared that one of one of her meltdowns occurred as she and her husband started out on a vacation.  The trigger was unexpected $3 toll fee.  All of a sudden, my own melodrama became clear.  I also found I am not alone since, according to Loretta, many Americans are caught up in fast- paced dramas of their own making.  The result, massive stress!  (Loretta teaches people how to use humor to reduce stress.)

As the Drama Queen in me has struggled over “what’s next, how am I going to make all these shifts happen?!!”  The Diva of Delight showed up calm, serene, and confident that we can create a future that “we” will all relish.

What about you?

Where is your Drama Queen showing up?

Where do you feel “burned-out” or getting pretty darn crisp?

Elizabeth Barrett Browning wrote “How do I love thee, Let me count the ways!”  What if, each time we accepted that WE ARE ENOUGH, we are really saying to ourselves “I love you!”  Over the last week there has been a ripple of recognition among women 50 and over that I talked with that we all too often experience a nagging uncertainty about “Am I enough?”  This question for many comes from early childhood when we were regularly questioned as to whether we were enough … to cross the street on our own, earn enough A’s and B’s, etc.  Then it was generously reinforced, it seems, over the years.  Having the nagging question in the back of our minds, can be a constant “hole in the bucket” of our self-esteem.  That voice-over also can get louder when we are depressed or depleted.

Fresh Choices

I found recently in the Landmark Forum that the phrase, “I’m not enough” had been like an old coat that I put on every day mentally whether I was aware of it or not.  The consequences have been significant!  As I shared this discovery with family, friends and co-workers I also acknowledged how it has gotten in my way being fully present with them, fresh and ready to step up to whatever we were about.  During those conversations, there were sighs of recognition, not only for me but for themselves, they had been “infected with the same virus!”  In one wonderful instance I got a chuckle because this friend has, for the most part, “gotten over it!”

Cleaning up our thinking can be a life-long process.  Fortunately, this freeing act is one that most of us are totally in charge of.  The trick often is recognizing that the mental stumbling blocks are there!  One way to realize this is to watch what is showing up in our lives.  Last week I noticed that I frequently was saying that I didn’t have enough time to do all I want to do.  Whoa… Another form of the “not- enough” syndrome had shown up.  Stay tuned next week to find out the fall-out of that discovery.

In the meantime, “How would it be if in your world you were definitely enough?!  Up to the tasks you took on, enough to have the friendships and loving intimate relationships you desire, enough, just as you are!??”

A wonderful way to reinforce this idea of being enough and be transported to a place of grace is to re-read Elizabeth’s words:

“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace…”

Over the last couple of years I have had the pleasure of sharing two new passions with my brother, writing and speaking.  We both find ourselves transported in connecting with others in a way that uplifts, entertains and supports. Recently he is doing a significant amount of writing on the topic of Love and Chaos.  What that has done for me, in part, is point to the places in my life where I am creating chaos when I could be generating love.

For example, when I find myself in battle with myself, it often looks like someone “out-there” has it wrong and is causing things to be challenging for me.   I turn up as “the victim”* for one reason or the other.  Fortunately, I have come to accept that no matter what the circumstances, I always have more power and more leverage when I take responsibility for my part in a breakdown.  That shift takes me out of the victim role and allows me to be creator in my life.  How freeing!  Where I had limited choices before, and they almost always resulted in some form of chaos whether in my head or on the outside, now I have many more options and a bigger playing field.  If I want a different result, what steps, even baby steps can I take to creat a better outcome for myself in this situation?

Just last week I received an offer of some coaching and training work.  Even with some discussion, the terms were fuzzy in my mind, so I decided it would be good for both of the parties involved if the terms were written down. The minute I took responsibility for getting clear, the tone of things shifted.  I saw that I was not in control of the offer, AND I had lots of latitude in how I responded to it.  I went from feeling “like a victim” to feeling like a business person in charge of making good decisions for my business.  Valuable experience!

So, going forward I am eager to see where I can create love especially when I am currently experiencing chaos.  How about you?

Where might you release chaos by offering a loving response?  
                
*David Emerald  has written “The Power of TED (The Empowerment Dynamic)” which explores the whole question of creator/victim in detail in ways that further illuminate our choices.

As you reflect over the last week, what was your relationship with time?  Did you feel time pressured or satisfied with how you spent your time?  You may have noticed, either way you are in charge, you determine your experience of time.

That’s what Einstein Time is all about as Gay Hendricks proposes in Chapter 6 of The BIG LEAP.  We are each incharge of our own time. Once we take the “Big Leap” and accept full responsibility for our time, it is no longer drives us.  Gone is the continuous time pressure because we are choosing our relationship with time and how we use it.

If you are saying “just a minute!”  I can understand.  I realized once again in the last few months that my relationship with time was an area of my life where I was often out of integrity and not satisfied, so I have been “on the hunt” for new options. Gay Hendricks definitely proposes a radical change.  Here are his steps for developing a new and more satisfying relationship with time:

•  Notice how much complaining you do about time and STOP.
•  Take that freed up energy and time that you have spent complaining and worrying and put it into choosing what you really want to do and with what attitude.
•  Notice taking charge of your time requires vigilance (no fair blaming others for not having enough) and spunk!  You are developing new ways of thinking and doing!

To my delight I discovered I began to put this new approach to time into action over the last two months.  My stress level was not where I wanted it to be, so I sought out a new health practitioner to help me deal with it.

As a result my body is releasing old stress, and the more relaxed I am, the more I want to be there.  I find myself more flexible and happier!  To take on the new treatment required my setting aside three plus hours each week. Where was that time going to come from with what already felt like a full schedule?  Well, I set my priorities and determined it would be worth it.  Now instead of begrudging the driving time to get to the treatment and back, I revel in the benefits I am receiving and practice shifting my body and mind whenever I feel tension creeping in.

So, I invite you to consider making a commitment to a relationship with time that works for you.  Who knows, it just may be The Einstein Time approach!

(For my initial post on time, see the March 15th post.  You can also find out more on the stress-relief treatment I mentioned above from my February 24th post.)

What is your relationship with time?  I must confess I’ve often had a challenging relationship with time.  Being women 50 and over wisdom suggests NOW is a great time to re-evaluate our personal “mental model” of time so that we can choose one that works for us and our well-being.

The times in my life when I thought I  had plenty of time, seem rare on reflection – I like to do lots of things!  And, the times when I have been happiest, time hasn’t been as much of an issue.  How could that be?  Have you noticed when you are doing something you love, hours seem to be irrelevant, you are absorbed in the moment enjoying it all.  What’s one of those times for you?

For me several times that stand out as times when I was in alignment with time were when I shared something I love with someone I love!  For example, I go two or three times a year to visit a friend in Bellingham.  We CHOOSE a very open schedule, both suggest things we would enjoy doing and then we go from there.  The hours melt away but there is such a sense of richness that there is no angst about time.

By contrast when I get overly focused in my driver mode there always seems to be a time crunch. If this sounds familiar, you can appreciate that everything seems to have a deadline, and it was yesterday.  This can create a pressure cooker effect that impacts our blood pressure and our whole cardiovascular system.

The alternative approach to time is to use Einstein Time.  No surprise, it provides a different model of time, and you are in charge!  Well, whether that sounds daunting or encouraging, check in next week to see what it’s all about!  And, if you just can’t wait, read Chapter 6 of The BIG LEAP by Gay Hendricks which I first introduced you to in January.

Have you ever noticed that when you ask for something it often shows up, except not in the package you expected?!!  Last week my post was about calming, and I provided a basic introduction to breathing for stress reduction (See below).  Guess what, the more I focused on my breathing, the more I noticed how I waited until I was definitely TIGHT and TENSE before stopping to relax and breath or break/relax and breath!  Useful information!  Lo, I had offered a great suggestion on relaxation only to be shown that I was not getting the full advantage of it myself!

Learning new habits is like that.  Before we can begin to gain competence, we get to wake up to how unconsciouslyincompetent we have been!  A colleague who has obviously taken breathing consciously to a whole new level shared her practice; “Breathe in I count to 7, breathe out I count to 7.7.”  Repeat for 15 minutes.  I have found in using this practice there is still some built in resistance from the “pusher” part of me.  She wants productivity “thank you very much!”  So, I thank her for the “reminder,” and invite her to go to the imaginary workout room I have designed for her.

Yoga Helps with Breathing

For me, and perhaps you, too, this is all related to my relationship with time.

I get into trouble with runaway tension when I have created a deadline and am fearful I won’t make it.  I have set myself up for this tense-fest!  So, with this awareness, I can create a new game.  When I give myself a deadline or have one given to me, I decide what I want to do with it in terms of attitude, approach and timing.  That is called conscious choice!

In the past when I have not noticed this pattern of growing tension and pressure is when I have gone beyond the point where I could easily reduce the tension. So, gratefully, my body is much less tolerant of overdoing it now!

An element that bears reflecting on here is space.  When I slow down to review my options I feel the grace and spaciousness of it.  I can actually access a generous and wise aspect of my nature.  I make better decisions, and Providence often contributes something that I would not previously have access to.

Questions for reflection:

• How can I be proactive about managing tension?
• What practice/habit will support me to shift from reacting to tension to being proactive about managing tension?

As we discussed holiday traditions and the joy and challenges that can be associated with them in the last Divas Dive In teleclass, I was reminded of the importance of compassion.  When things don’t go as planned, when you find yourself out of sorts, when people don’t follow through, try a touch of compassion for yourself and for the other person.  The practice is one I have learned from Pema Chodron, a Buddhist author of The Places that Scare You, A Guide to Fearless Living in Difficult Times.

Pema suggests that compassion is a tool for maintaining our flexibility and open heartedness.  She calls this particular practice one of sharing the heart.  Whenever we find ourselves encountering pain from any source, ourselves or another, we breathe into our heart.  “It’s a way of acknowledging when we are closing down and of training to open up.”  As we breathe into our heart, we acknowledge our pain and then we think of others experiencing similar pain.  Following this practice has an amazing effect of softening our response, expanding our options.

Recently when I was stuck in an familiar problem about my checkbook not balancing, I turned to this practice.  By staying with my feelings, breathing into my heart and sending empathy out to others that have had this experience, I relaxed and became clearer and clam!

Likewise when something delights us, like a sunrise, we can acknowledge the joy it brings, and breathe into our heart that joy or pleasure.  Then we make a wish that others may experience such joy or pleasure.  Using this practice I find adds to the fullness of my experience.

So, when things seem to be heading south or brightening up, take a moment to acknowledge the experience.  While breathing into your heart have compassion for yourself and others or rejoice and wish that others experience this pleasure, also.

Do share how this or similar practices work for you.