Family can be the best of things or the worst of things. Last weekend it was definitely the best of things as my brother, his wife and I packed three major family-oriented events into one weekend.  The first was a birthday celebration for my brother.  We enjoyed more laughter in four hours than I generally get in three days. What a joy it was to see 8 seniors cajoling, comforting and celebrating each other’s successes. These 60 somethings have known each other for 30 years!  They have shared heart break and satisfaction as they have raised children and overcome loss. They are there for each other when it is most needed.

One of the highlights of that night was the gift my brother received of a handmade light mocha brown cap made of alpaca fleece with ear flaps and a bill. The most unique and touching aspect of the cap was that it was woven with fleece from Gen, my brother’s beloved standard poodle who had died a few months before.  After many groomings my brother had sent Jen’s shorn fleece to his talented fabric artist friend. She saved the fleece for a special occasion, and this was it. For all, this was an evidence of the care, collaboration and creativity that has helped bind this group together.

The other two major events were a day spent tracing family roots and hours on Sunday spent introducing two grandnephews to Utah’s new Museum of Natural History. Part of the magic of the weekend was that several things were anticipated and planned for which built in excitement for each event as it unfolded. The trip to the Museum of Natural History stimulated all of the senses as eyes were treated to handsome, overarching architecture specifically designed to show nature’s magnificent secrets whether it was the resilience of the ant colony or the grandeur of a Brontosaurus. Children and adults could watch water or wind erode the land, or smell a magnolia know to exist during the earliest tropical periods of Utah’s history.

What have you done recently to renew your connection with family and friends?

What aspect of those experiences was most rewarding to you?

 This is indeed the season of gifting, and you probably have your short list for Santa.  I invite you to pause and take a look at gifts from a spiritual perspective.  The whole idea of giving and receiving may take on deeper and richer meaning.  Here is the wisdom of a 15^th century poet,  Fra Giovani:

“There is nothing I can give you

which you have not;

but there is much, very much that

 while I can not give it,  you can take.

No heaven can come to us unless our hearts

find rest in today.  Take heaven!

No peace lies in the future which is not hidden

In this present instant.  Take peace!

 The gloom of the world is but a shadow.

Behind it, yet within reach, is joy.

There is a radiance and glory n the darkness, could we but see,

and to see, we have only to look, I beseech you to look.

Life is so generous a giver, but we, judging its gifts by

their covering, cast them away as ugly, or heavy, or hard.

Remove the covering and you will find beneath it

a living splendor, woven of love, by wisdom, with power.

Welcome it, grasp it and you touch the angel’s hand

that brings it to you.  Everything we call a trial, a sorrow,

or a duty, believe me, that angel’s hand is there.

The gift is there, and the wonder of an overshadowing presence.

Our joys, too, be not content with them as joys.

They, too, conceal livening gifts.

And so this time I greet you,

not quite as the world sends greetings but with

profound esteem and with the prayer that for you

now and forever, the day breaks, and the shadows flee.”

And so, I offer this gift…

PEACE, JOY and LOVE in this season of hope and possibility.

Sandra

When things have been difficult as they have been for many us, it can be easy to find ourselves “slip-sliding away” emotionally.  The past although not comfortable seems ironically seductive.  We are so used to the fear that runs in the background, that warns us to be careful, don’t take any risks, etc. that we settle for a present that looks a lot like the past.  I am reminded of a short poem:

“Dance like nobody’s watching,
Sing like you don’t need the money, and…
Love like you’ve never been hurt.”

I came face to face with this reality as my hairdresser and I had a conversation about my current romantic relationship.  I was wrestling with ending it before getting in too deep and risking the thought of a painful ending.  Her response set me back .  “What??? Are you going to end something before it even gets started?  Sounds like you are letting logic lead back to settling for what has been safe and comfortable, and frankly pretty boring!”  Her quick response, punctured my false confidence, and I was quickly in touch with my real feelings.  Yes, I had fallen back in the trap of fear.  Ironically, the decision I was leaning toward looked a lot like I was getting clear and moving on while in reality it was putting me back into the cul-de-sac of false comfort.

Stepping into a new future whether you are starting a new relationship, a job or a business requires vulnerability, willingness to go into unfamiliar territory, and the hutspa to take risks. When I focus on my desired future, I can tune into that rather than the old familiar fear.  So, I plan to dance, following the invitation of Mark D. Sanders and Tia Sillers:

I Hope You Dance
“I hope you never lose your sense of wonder.
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed…
Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance, I hope you dance.” *
*Words and music by D. Sandres and Tia Sillers

With summer ending, people returning from vacations and children beginning school, we at Seattle First Baptist Church have a renewing annual Homecoming tradition. We celebrate coming back together as a community, and all that it means to us.

Part of what appeals to me about this homecoming is that no explanation is needed as to where you have been. A welcoming, “Good to see you again!” is there to greet you. One of the choral readings during this year’s service was about the return of the Prodigal Son, he who had strayed, lost it all, and returned asking to be taken back into the fold. I ask you, what community, what friends have been willing to take you as you are and welcome you back after you have gone through burn-out, a divorce, losing your job?

Since we are often in denial that our primary relationship has withered away, that we are burned out, or that it’s no accident we were fired – we had checked out sometime ago, it can take months, or years to recover. And, there are multiple resources such as our CORE coaching program and the augmenting services that we encourage you to use for your mind, body, spirit and emotional well-being that can enhance and shorten your recovery.

Three ways that we can begin to come back “home” to our essential self are: 

1. Begin to accept our loss. When we are at the depths of despair and our former world is no longer accessible or acceptable to us, we can feel powerless. Ironically, we can begin to take back our power by accepting the loss. First acknowledge what you have lost. It may not be just be a job if you have burned out, but your identity, your sense of belonging, your health, friends and colleagues. As you discern what your losses have been and begin the grieving process, you also begin the healing process.

A valuable resource for me around loss has been a slim volume titled “How to Survive the Loss of a Love.” The title may suggest that it has just to do with relationships, however, it can easily provide insights and support for any kind of loss.

2. Be gentle with yourself. Listening to your inner critic most likely has been part of the reason for the loss. Now you can recognize that as long as you allow that critical voice to dominate, you’re hampered in moving on. Acknowledge that you hear the voice and take a stand for yourself by saying “Thanks for sharing, what I want right now is inner peace.” Take a walk in nature, sip something warm as you begin your day and read an inspirational passage to guide your thinking. (Flip Your Thinking Flash Cards for the Soul may be helpful, too.) 

3. Look for people, places, and things to be grateful for. It may be a pillow to cry in, the touch of a soft wet nose of your favorite pet (guinea pig, horse, dog), or a warm, bulky sweater that you can get lost in. As you turn toward those things that bring you comfort, you can gradually, gently come back to yourself, and love yourself even with all the pain.

Homecoming to your essential self is both a demanding and a joyful process. You not only discover what got you into the uncomfortable situation, but what can help you avoid going down that path again anytime soon.

I was awakened by a strange noise about 7:30 in the morning. At first I worried that someone had broken in, but I soon learned that it was Baxter, the neighborhood tabby who makes himself at home wherever he chooses. This time Baxter had jumped up five feet into an open window to join me for breakfast. I welcomed his loving presence.

I really admire the ones who feel comfortable no matter where they are. To them, no one is a stranger. It’s common to find a friendly pet, and it’s especially pleasant to meet their human equivalent. When I met Rubin, I found that communication was open and easy from the beginning. I hired him on the spot for some household challenges that required talent with tools and creativity.  My instincts regarding his character were right on.  Rubin is thoughtful, courteous, and straightforward with an unmistakably big heart.
 
At first I wanted to categorize him in terms of his relationship to me, employee and employer, but that is a waste of time. Labels and roles just serve to separate us. What I am discovering is that love is wherever we are if we allow it, if we are open to the genuine goodness in people. We can sense it from the beginning. Are we more present with them? Do they draw out the best in us and visa-versa?  Can we be real with them, and are they real with us? These are critical qualities that, for me, are a reflection of love.  When we notice which relationships work and which don’t and choose the ones where we are growing and expressing our love with ease, we generate even more love and possibility.

How do you approach relationships, with a critical eye or with an open heart?
Which of your current relationships nourish you?

Baxter went to the door and asked to be let out about an hour after he arrived.  I’m never sure about when he will return.  However, if and when he does, chances are, he will bring love.

Your health, happiness and longevity all are significantly impacted by your friendships!  Sure, I’ve “known” this and probably you have, too.  This knowing was powerfully confirmed last week as I heard a presentation by Shasta Nelson, the founder of girfriendcircles.com and attended a wake for a friend.

“In the quest for better health, many people turn to doctors, self-help books or herbal supplements.  But theyoverlook a powerful weapon that could help them fight illness and depression, speed recovery, slow aging andprolong life: their friends.”                           Tara Parker-Pope, “What Are Friends For?  A Longer Life,” The New York Times, April 20, 2009.

What a statement!  For me that means, friendships deserve particular attention as we arrive at 50 and go beyond. In fact, if we want to GROW as we age, Dr. Paul Dobransky says friends are essential, and they shape our destiny! So, are we giving friendships their far due?  Do we meet regularly with those who are our “In- Commitment Friends,”the closest ones we have?  What are we doing to be aware of and foster our friendships?
 
At the wake I saw and heard friends share stories about our friend Delores who had died that brought us laughter and tears.  Delores regularly fostered friendships by inviting people to join her for salons where we listened to emerging musicians.  She frequently invited friends to join her for lunch after church.  Her good humor abounded and she was known for her Irish jokes.  What are those things which you do that foster your friendships?

Shasta in her presentation deepened our understanding of friendship as she described no less than five different types and how each was important.  To begin friendships we discover or create contact with individuals with whom weshare something in common.  As we spend time with and share with these friends, the bond deepens.  Sharing plays an important role in deepening relationships.

How will you share with your friends this week?

Sunday was set aside as an easy going day. Although I planned several things, the day felt flexible.  However, when I walked out to my car after church I saw I had a flat tire.  Plans were immediately revised.  The fact that I had planned a “flexible day,” left me in a most agreeable state of mind.  From that flexible state of mind a flat tire did not seem like a big deal.

A friend volunteered to help and we recruited another friend in the parking lot when I discovered to my dismay that I had not gotten the last flat repaired!  (Hard to believe! Thankfully they could all relate.)  What followed were a series of steps to find workable solutions for myself and the people assisting me.  My friends, women over 50, and those who assisted us all were gracious, and we found just the resources I needed.  On top of that, they got to complete their desired tasks and I got to do the errand I was hoping to fit in!

What I learned from that experience was:
= Maintain my AAA roadside coverage, I used it!
= Notice what grace seemed to show up with my flexible state of mind.
= Be generous to and grateful for friends, caring for them can create reciprocal good will.

After that experience, I am committed to calling on a flexible state of mind more often!

Where we focus determines our results.  Thus, as we discussed which rituals to toss or treasure on the Diva’s Dive In teleclass last week, the power of gratitude became clear.  When we focus on gratitude, things shift.  For example, when there are differences such as religious backgrounds, honoring both or several during the holidays can be a challenge.  The extra heartfelt effort we as women over fifty put into including the diverse traditions in our families and with friends can provide education, appreciation and gratitude for our roots.
 
In today’s world we are being stretched to see things from multiple perspectives.  Being grateful for our own traditions and open to learning and celebrating others, can expand circles of understanding within families, friends and communities.

What helps build bridges of understanding about different traditions?
= Curiosity.  “What makes this tradition so dear to my loved one or a friend?”  Standing in their shoes to look at something can create greater appreciation and compassion.
= Respect.  Even though we may not value a tradition the way a member of our family or a friend does, we can respect their choices and perspective.
=Taking ourselves more lightly.  One of the participants in the call declared, “Life has gotten a lot easier as I have learned over the years to take myself more lightly.”

To deepen your appreciation of gratitude and the impact it can have, I share this piece from author Melodie Beattie:

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.
It turns what we have into enough, and more.
It turns denial into acceptance,
Chaos into order, confusion to clarity.  It can turn
A meal into a feast, a house into a home,
A stranger into a friend.  Gratitude makes sense of our past,
brings peace for today,
And creates a vision for tomorrow.

Women find countless ways to catch-up, connect and infuse their lives with fun.  Last weekend I both attended and hosted a jewelry party!  Doing so much “jewelry” in one weekend was a fluke and definitely something new for me.  Predictably, the events were about much more than jewelry.  For me they provided opportunities to refresh valued friendships and to get to know a neighbor and her friends better – a fresh infusion of fun and connection.

Several of the women that I met for the first time were in their mid-thirties, young moms and professionals.  Their warmth and openness made me feel right at home.  We laughed a lot! One of the first topics of conversation with that group was Facebook.  At my party where most of us were 50 and over, Linked In surfaced as a valuable way to be professionally connected and form relationships for doing business.  All this happened while trying on beautiful jewelry!*

As I got on-line the next day I received an invite to connect on Linked In from Masah Kalugin, that multi-talented, young neighbor.  She is a recruiter for FILTER with an emphasis on gaming.  Send a job seeker her way and check her out on Linked In.

Following her lead to Linked In I made another 15 connections and received an acknowledgement.  So, if you are looking for a fresh infusion of friendship, connection, and energy, try something new!

*If you are interested in having fun with your own jewelry party, connect with Charmaine Stouder at her Silpada website.