A phone visit with relatives on Easter Day resulted in my being aware that there was a temporary stress epidemic in my family.  Yikes!  To hear that five adults ages 39 to 65 all concur that they were stressed-out was an eye-opener.  One of those is a woman over fifty who appears on the surface to always have things “under control.”  She’s passionately connected to a large extended family, has a full-time job and has recently lost a sister and brother to chronic disease.  As we talked on a range of subjects, it became clear to me once again that stress comes from multiple sources and that control can be something that complicates the situation or provides a vantage point.

What can we really control?  As much as we would like to, we cannot control others’ behavior whether they are our children, co-workers or bosses.  Yes, we can negotiate with them and certainly when children are younger we might be able to influence them more easily for a period of time.  Ultimately, we have limited control even over young children.  This can be a sobering fact, even something that we try to deny.  However, accepting this limitation can give us the power to make life enhancing changes.

When I decide that I am the starting point for managing any stress I experience, I can begin to determine what I can and am willing to do to reduce the stress.  

For example, when I woke Sunday morning saying to myself, “Yikes, you have really overloaded yourself with preparing this dinner for friends at the last minute,” I began to smile.   Yes, it felt very real in that moment! And the question I asked myself was, “What can I change to reduce the stress that I am experiencing?  For me it was deciding to simplify the original plan.  The outcome, four people had a simple, delicious dinner, they got to know each other and enjoy themselves, and the hostess had a great time. 

Where can you decide to reduce some of the stress in your life?

What can you control?

Have you noticed the early arrival of beautiful blossoms on the plum trees and warmer temperatures brightening your mood?  They certainly do mine!  However, if we are primarily focused on problems such as work challenges or health issues we may hardly notice the changes.  How is it that our focus so often determines our reality and our mood?!!!

Intention plays an important role here, too!  If you are intending to LEAP forward this year or win a gold medal your intention is clear and your focus is to realize your intention. Then life happens and there may be “noise on your radio reception” when it comes to your intention.  When you are aware of the noise which often starts in our own heads, we can turn up the focus button and dial down the noise button.  (The noise is often worry!)

Early on when I worked with the “noise” I thought it was a given and that I really didn’t have choice about it. Now I know the buttons are there to be dialed or the issue is to be dealt with!

Recently, I became aware that when I over focus I can drop out truly being present to my own body and its needs.  I became aware of this through the NSA, Network Spinal Analysis, work I am having done.  The work’s end goal is to increase well-being by reducing tension in the body and allow the body to provide you with important information.  The first thing that happened was I became very aware of the “noise” I created frequently in my head because of my judgments about myself. That translated into tension.  Tada!

Now as the weeks have passed since I have been using NSA I feel more sensation in different parts of my body (my shoulders – pretty tight sometimes, my chest and now my extremities).  I can now see more clearly how the mind-body connection either supports my well – being or not.  The tight focus on the goal at hand is now expanded.  I can also notice on how my current focus is supporting my body or not.  Exciting and enlivening!

How is your focus supporting you?  Your body?

If you have noise, what are you doing to dial it down or deal with it?

Recently I had the great privilege of being in on a Mentor Certification Course through invite.CHANGE, a coach training organization where I am on staff.  Now, certification programs are not always known for their inspiring nature.  However, when it comes to coaching, I have found that inspiration and accelerated personal growth are almost always part of the package.

While all of the participants came to this course with depth of coaching experience and training (most of the coaches are nationally credentialed Master Coaches), we are all human beings going through our own challenges and life changes.  During the course over a three month period we coached and mentored each other on real issues.  What is unique about this group is that we have been trained and embody the belief that all human beings are whole, capable and resourceful at their core.

This commitment to see anyone we are coaching or mentoring through this lense of unconditional personal regard creates an environment that immediately and in a most satisfying way opens up possibility.  Given a commitment to deep work within a space of safety, things can get messy; tears, doubt, confusion may show-up.  However, these conditions are not seen as having any real permanence because we know who the individuals we are coaching really are.  This embodiment of knowing and seeing a person at a deeper level frees them to experience and see themselves at the level of essence.  Tension, fear, and doubt gently dissipate.  Energy and clarity and confidence return.

This way of being with one another that transformative coaching provides is one of the skills that we all can benefit during this time of tumultuous change.  We all benefit from being reminded who we truly are and learning to reclaim our good just when we and others need it most.

Just as I was about to pull up the draft of this week’s blog post, there was a flicker.   I most likely reacted and the next thing I knew…Clean Sweep.  Whatever my previous brilliant draft had to offer was history!  I am taking that as a gift.  Whatever, my earlier thoughts were are not as useful as what wants to surface right now.

In addition to that awareness, I also know that in some very specific ways it’s important to have a clean sweep right now.  How about you?  Two signals for why it is important for me to clear things up are,first, my memory banks are clogged enough that I didn’t remember the major content of my earlier post.  Generally, that is not true even when the draft is a week old. 

Secondly, a clean sweep is in order because my file drawers are hard to put new information into; they are crammed. What’s exciting about this “information overload“ is that there are reasons for it that I can name.  First, I haven’t taken time to clean out my files for a couple of months, secondly fresh inspiration has been flowing in, and as a result, I am writing more than usual. Third, health and business requirements have led me to do considerable research which has added fresh bulk to my files.   So, where from here?

• Make a hard copy of anything that I definitely don’t want to lose.

(Some organization experts may have a few different suggestions, and I would be delighted to hear from them!)

Metaphors for midlife abound!  One that I have come to respect through my own experience and the wise teachings of mentors like Sue Monk Kidd and Christiane Northrup is that midlife is often a time of re-birthing. If re-birth conjures up precious memories of giving birth to your child or painful ones, both apply.  The other thing that definitely applies is that just like the gestation process to grow a fetus takes 9 months, so the re-birthing of our True Self at midlife takes a longer period of time than we typically like to plan for a change process.  Truth be told, we can’t plan this process although we can consciously work with it, and the rewards can be most satisfying as you birth a more aware and compassionate you.
 
This is the first of a series of posts on this midlife re-birthing process.  This particular post focuses on integrating what Kidd calls the “false selves, “ in particular, the "pleaser," an aspect of oneself with which many of you may be familiar.  I see human beings from a holistic perspective, mind, body, spirit and emotions.   Thus, I come at the midlife process from that place, also.  I explore these changes with you from both my own personal experience and from a coach’s perspective.

As Sue Monk Kidd in When the Heart Awaits reflects, re-birthing our selves spiritually takes going the slow route.  After all, you cannot rush a caterpillar’s process of changing form in the chrysalis.  When it is ready, it will emerge, not before.  Rushing the process results in incomplete development.

One of the major phases in the re-birthing of the Self at midlife is to acknowledge and integrate various parts of ourselves that we have conveniently overlooked or ones that have been operating at a subconscious level.   Sue calls these aspects “false selves” and describes them as constructions of the ego that helped us function during the first half of our lives.  The first she describes, that she and I have in common, is the "pleaser;" her name for that aspect of herself is “Little Girl with the Curl.”

How many of are familiar with the "pleaser?"  Mother’s can be driven by it and the behavior can be just as familiar to a single woman if she surrounds herself with people who want more of her and often are not reciprocal in giving back.  These people often suck us dry until we acknowledge and take care of ourselves by setting boundaries.  For example, a single friend who’s son is in college recently heard him protest at her decision to move to another state.  She wouldn’t always be conveniently nearby when he came home for breaks.  She acknowledged that was true, and she recognizes her own needs come first now.  This is part of her saying YES to the new life she is creating at midlife.

To get in touch with your “pleaser,” if you have one:

• Notice how you feel when family members and “close” friends or co-workers  “expect you” to go out of your way to meet their needs.
• If there is a sense of pinch or discomfort around this “expected giving,” slow down and ask yourself what do I need right now?
• Then consider saying “no."  This is a complete sentence, no explanation required! 
• Whatever you choose to do, notice what follows.  Are you energized or drained by the exchange?

As we slowly discover our “false selves,” as Sue calls them, we can change, making the unconscious conscious.  We can integrate these aspects in-part through claiming them and their patterns as part of us and finding new, more appropriate ways to meet the needs they once served.  As we make these changes we become more whole and more at peace with ourselves. 

We’ve just begun this discussion.  I will look forward to hearing how you have learned to own and redirect the energies of your "pleaser" or to your sharing about another “false self” you have discovered.

As a woman at midlife, sometimes you are very clear when you have had enough of:

Give yourself permission to say “Enough, I am moving on.”

An assertiveness class that I am currently taking has refreshed my skills for saying, “No, this is no longer working for me.”  Realizing that things are not working and addressing them before you reach the enough place can provide an opportunity for things to get back on track.  For example, you might say, “When you don’t return my phone calls, I find myself losing interest in investing in our relationship.” Then listen carefully to their response.  If they value your relationship, they will let you know.  If not, you will most likely be much clearer about where they stand.  Either way you have energetically given yourself a boost by speaking your truth without being disrespectful. Most importantly you will are much more likely to know where you stand.

If you are unclear whether you indeed have had enough, consider applying Byron Katies’ process called The Work.  Ask yourself “Is the story I am telling myself about this situation really true?” The series of questions that Byron uses to help one clarify feelings and find a solution can be found on her website.  On her website she also provides video clips of people using The Work, to address various issues they are having.
      
For firsthand exposure to Byron doing The Work, attend her presentation at the University of Washington campus, Friday evening, February 13.  Go to “events” on her website and scroll down to the February 13th event.

Checking out the enough messages that you get from yourself can bring you closer to your truth and peace of mind.  So, do yourself a favor and notice when enough is coming up for you.

A few weeks ago, I found myself driving through the rain, late for an appointment and, not surprisingly, when I got near the destination I had trouble finding it. When I arrived I was not in the calm receptive place that would optimize the value of my appointment. So, I took time to breathe, ground and tune in. I leaned lots of great things that day and one was a new way to play the game.

I am a big picture person and I revel in the fact that I can get inspired by BIG DREAMS. However, I have fallen short of enough Big Dreams that I have been looking for some new approaches. One was graciously delivered. Try this metaphor: In life, as in football, there are many more “first downs” than touchdowns. Go for the “first down” and once you have successfully mastered those you are more likely to get that touchdown!

When I let that message sink in and applied it, I found myself rather giddy, there were so many more “can do’s” out there for me to pursue, and many, I sense, that can in due time lead to that next touchdown.

In our “crazy busy” society, sometimes a reframe like the one above can make a huge difference. And, there are times we as women leaders in the second half need to Relax, Reconnect and Recapture…our Natural Rhythm.

Coaching has taught me that slowing down for a half hour coaching session can often produce significant shifts in productivity and outlook.

Likewise, when we take time daily to renew our connection with the sacred and our own natural rhythm, our days go better; we have more fun and can be more productive. Knowing that intellectually and experiencing it first hand in your body are two different things.

So if you are ready to just say ‘no’ to crazy busy, and ‘yes’ to being in sync with the sacred and your own essential core once again and reap the rewards including pampering from head to toe, attend the Relax, Reconnect and Recapture…Your Own Natural Rhythm workshop on Saturday, August 2.

Do you find yourself working long past quitting time to redo an assignment? Needing to be the best at every project you tackle? Then you might want to read “Time Off for Good Behavior, How Hardworking Women Can Take a Break and Change Their Lives.” Mary Lou Quinlan found herself more and more successful according to the culture’s achievement measures as she applied the following behaviors: Type A – Good Girl – Pleasing – Perfectionism.

Mary Lou earned her way to the “top” as a CEO of a large marketing firm only to realize that her quality of life was at an all time low. Weary of overusing these well honed behaviors, she took a break and claimed a fresh start. (If you choose to claim a fresh start for yourself, click here to receive my complimentary series of six "Gifts of Serenity".)

Mary Lou became aware that all four of the above behaviors are externally oriented versus being in tune with her own internal compass. When she asked herself what aspects of being CEO truly brought her pleasure she knew she was in the wrong job. She was clear and she confidently told her boss, the Chairman of the Board, she was leaving and she showed him her plan for a business that she had passion for.

Being clear on what she wanted paid off. Mary Lou was invited to put that business “Just Ask a Woman” under the umbrella of the company she was formerly CEO of. While building that business, she interviewed 3,000 women. (Learn about the results of that survey through her book “Just Ask a Woman.”)

As I read Mary Lou’s story, I realized that just the week before I spent 50% more time than was necessary preparing to facilitate a day-long retreat. The retreat went extremely well, and what I saw out of that experience was how the perfectionist in me goes crazy to prevent “failure.” My commitment is to notice when the perfectionist shows up and invite her to dance or go smell the flowers! Then I will have access to my own inner wisdom and can trust myself in the moment. (Hello, Mary Lou!)

What are our alternatives when we find ourselves over using the Perfectionist or the Pleaser? For each of us it may be a bit different, and here are some suggestions:

• Notice how you are being with a project or task. Are you relaxed and focused or is your focus rigid and tiring?
• If you find yourself in the rigid and inflexible space, PAUSE. Take a few deep breaths, notice where that puts you.
• If you feel freed up, great! If not, shift your energy through a walk, dancing, or singing to one of your favorite songs. This may require a short break, and your investment will be well rewarded.
• Now set an intention for how you would like to be with this project and make a fresh start!
• To find additional ways to have a fresh start click here to receive my complimentary "Gifts of Serenity" series.  (For those of you that just clicked on the link to order these.  Thank you!  Your gift will arrive soon via email.)

Your comments on what helps you shift out of the Perfectionist or Pleaser are welcome!

Recently at a Waking Up to the Second Half workshop, several women came to the realization that "This feels good to take time to reflect!" Having given themselves permission to participate in a workshop with other women curious about their next chapter in the Second Half of their lives, these women were reveling in the art of reflection!

During the workshop the synergy built as they supported each other to take time to reflect, and it was paying off. They were seeing more possibilities for themselves and discovering old passions that they had buried years earlier. The weight of “shoulds” and “ought tos” was being actively shaken off with the support of the group.

So, how do we give ourselves permission to take time out for reflection? Part of it comes from a deep commitment to the quality of one’s life. Do you want to continue to be swept up in the current of what other people’s priorities or do you want to optimize the quality of your life and the contribution you make? As Stephen Covey suggests in his classic, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, first Be Proactive. Be clear about your vision for the life you desire and prioritize what you do to help bring that about.

Interestingly enough, if we do not take time to reflect on what our priorities are, we are likely to get more of the same! Old roles and beliefs are likely to rule. “I have always been the caretaker for my family” may be a well ingrained personal belief, and indeed society has reinforced it. So, even though your children are now young adults, you may find yourself overly involved in helping solve their problems. The result can be little or no time to reflect on what’s important to you now that you are in the Second Half.

So, how do I step out of the old pace and create space for reflection? Here are some options:

1. Use that question on as a tool. Write it on a post-it and place it where you will see it daily for a week or more. Intend that insights will come to you about it. Your subconscious will serve as your ally to help you gain greater clarity and understanding about yourself.
2. Treat yourself to a cup of tea at the beginning of your day or the end and journal with the intention to discover: Who do I want to be? What is important to me at this stage in my life? What is working for me? What is draining my energy? What changes would I like to make?
3. Each morning read from an inspirational source such as Sarah Ban Breathnach’s, Simple Abundance A Daybook of Comfort and Joy. She will take you on a daily exploration sure to create reflection and a sense of delight in what’s stirring within your Soul. (This book is in short supply since it was first published in 1995, and it is a classic for woman hungering for harmony, beauty, simplicity and joy.)