Muddled, befuddled and all out of gas. My heart was aching, too. It was past time to leave my engagement with a major client, and I was having a hard time letting go. I had “left my finger in the dike” way too long, hoping that the financials of the organization would improve. However, they didn’t and I did not have the skills, insight or energy to turn things around. I left my role, and felt lost for about a year after that. Resilient I was not.

That event is one of the reasons for my deep interest in resilience. Our fortunes can change given external circumstances, however how I respond to those circumstances makes all the difference in how quickly I get back to “normal” or, better still, a new norm that energies and inspires me. Why did I stay under adverse conditions so long? One of the reasons was because I so wanted to turn things around! A second reason was that I was out-of-touch with my current reality. I was drained energetically, financially and emotionally.

What I Learned: Current reality can be illusive when we so want a certain outcome and have heavily invested in it. Once we accept current reality, and from a spiritual perspective, surrender to it, then we have much more leverage to change our situation. When I allow ourselves to be in work environments, relationships and careers that continually drain our energy, we are headed for a “wake up call!”

How can you tune into current reality? Here are some tips:

1. Am I energized each day going to work? Meeting a friend? Being in a relationship?
2. If the answer is no, how long has this energy drain been going on?
3. What does the energy drain feel like?
4. What are the costs of this drain?
5. Once you tune into the facts, then you can begin to look at alternatives.

If you find yourself with a major energy drain and would like support in assessing its impact and what’s next, call 425-646-8170.

Letting in the Light

We’ve just marked the Spring Equinox, a joyous event after a dark, damp northwest winter. 

As I opened my curtains to let in the sunshine, I noticed accumulated dust and useless and worn out things that I am curious why I have kept.  I found myself ready to clean house and let go of anything that doesn’t delight me.

I remember visiting a colleague’s home several years ago.  When I arrived she announced her new policy.  “For every new thing that comes into the house, I will let go of something.” As I looked around her home and saw stacks of magazines and “extra” knickknacks; I understood why.  If you leave the faucet of “stuff*” running, your tub will soon overflow.

 Marketers, well-intentioned friends and colleagues can give us things that we really don’t want or need.  If I am not alert about this, I allow them to come in.  Somehow getting them out of my house takes more energy than letting them in.  Because I don’t want to be a source of clutter, I intend to be mindful about what material things I give to others. (Instead of “stuff” I like to give experiences like a ticket to the symphony, gift certificates, or take a friend to lunch.)

One of the best ways to kickstart myself into action is to work with a pro. I love having one of my favorite “decluttering specialists” come by monthly for a few hours.  Penni (PenniMarvel@aol.com)  is a wiz at making me feel greater ease and confidence in letting go.  For her, letting in the light is an art form. The result is that with her presence I can slim down or eliminate stacks, files, etc. about two to three times faster. By the time she leaves I feel much lighter and my work and living space are more comfortable and attractive. 

When we let in the light, we are announcing that we want change and we will be supported!

How will you let in more light this week?

Who could support you in being successful?

The hospital room was stiflingly silent. My brother, Gaylord, had just been taken away to the operating room. Less than 24 hours before he had a heart attack and now the physicians felt the best option was surgery, a three-way bypass. Gaylord, his wife and sons, our parents, and I all wondered what this means.  Will he make it through this and what will the quality of his life be if he does?

Fortunately the operation went well, and Gaylord began to make life style changes. In addition to reducing fat, salt and sugar, he got a dog, a standard poodle named Genieve, who was a great incentive to get outside for long walks.

These changes helped, but it took eleven years before he was ready to let go of the primary stressor in his life.  He decided to retire.  He was willing to begin defining himself in new ways.

His first month after his decision was filled with delight at the thought of sleeping in, calling the shots on what he wanted to be working on versus multi-million dollar projects for others, taking trips with his wife to be with friends, and perhaps going to Europe. He even imagined he might get back to an old passion painting.

As Gaylord’s retirement date loomed, he began to have doubts. Maybe he wasn’t ready yet.  Then the man who was to succeed him died in a car accident forcing Gay to postpone his retirement by a month until a replacement could be found. But this strengthened his resolve.  He’d had his wake-up call, life’s too short.

Even though it was a month later than planned, Gaylord embarked on his new life the way he’d tackled client projects for so many years.  He signed up for a painting class, took his wife Dixie to several art shows, and he carved out hours each week when he would paint.  Most importantly he kept his commitment to himself as seriously as he would a commitment to a client.

Two months later Gaylord was a different man.  There was no trace of regret; he had an entirely new attitude about this time in his life.  He calls it “wonderment!”  He gets up early each morning filled with wonder about what he will discover.  With his camera he catches the sun rising over the Wasatch Mountains the pinks and light glow illuminating the dark folds of the mountains.  He finds a scarlet Amaryllis breaking into bloom on the kitchen table, and captures its translucent beauty. He begins taking pictures of those around him.  All these photos are displayed on his work board the next day, and within a day or two one is becoming a watercolor.  Gaylord has indeed re-engaged in his passions and his life is on a whole new trajectory. Friends have remarked that he looks healthy and happy.

Gaylord has gone from a man boxed in by his job-title and the familiar comfort it provided, to a place where he is free to choose again what he wants his life to look like.  We can’t wait for first show.

What embers of a by-gone passion are waiting for you to stoke back into a fire?

What must you let go of to make room for this passion (allow it to breathe)?

Workshop Coming Up on March 11

Turning Points at Midlife and Beyond

Women Connecting

Midlife presents us with new options.  Whether we greet them with fear and trepidation or an expectation of a new adventure will impact the quality of what unfolds for us.  Listening to the Divine Discontent that has been beneath the surface for years can provide insight and energy for embarking on this important life passage with conscious choice.

Join other women, committed to enjoying the fruits of their fifties and sixties and making choices that take us outside the boxes that we and others have created for ourselves. This experiential workshop will leave you with fresh approaches for creating your future.

Workshop Leader:  Sandra Jones, guide Navigating Act III for Soul Satisfaction

To sign up, go to:  http://web.mac.com/womanspiritcenter/WomanSpirit_Center/Turning_Points.html

Have questions? Call Sandra at 425-646-8170.

Ever feel like you’re trapped inside a snow globe and someone turned it over and gave it a good shake? When I’m not choosing a new adventure and my world turns upside down anyway, it can be very unnerving. It’s a good time to sit down and check in with myself. What part of me is confident we can weather the storm, and what part of me is upset?

 We all have many facets to our personalities, and for me, it is often the little girl within who doesn’t like things to change. She likes to know that everything is OK, and that someone is looking out for her. When things get a little crazy, and I start feeling anxious, it isn’t the “large and in-charge” part of me that is acting up; it is the insecure little one who starts shouting for attention.                               

 While my adult mind is saying,”We’ll get through this, keep calm. Attend to what’s most important,” the little one (or ones) inside are shouting “What’s happening? I hate this! Make it be like it was before!” It’s like trying to drive down the street when the kids are screaming and fighting in the backseat. In that case we need to pull over and talk to the ones making all of the racket. Once everyone has been heard, we can restore order.

When I do have the wisdom to tune in, and give the insecure parts of me a chance to express their fears, the feeling of chaos usually subsides.  I have a couple of tools that I’ve found useful to do this. Journaling is a good way to let the little girl speak up.  I write down questions and then write down her answers. Another tool I find useful when my clients are stuck, or overwhelmed with anxiety, is Voice Dialogue, which allows all aspects of a personality to be heard. Giving voice to these different aspects usually is calming and allows the whole of me to move to a new level of flexibility and resourcefulness.  

 So, if change is shaking up your world, take time to listen to your little one. Trying to ignore her just escalates the intensity of her anxiety.  If you give her voice, she’ll help you stay in balance and you’ll enjoy a more peaceful journey (even if it is upside down in a snowstorm).

Ever heard that feeling bad, may be good?!!  Until we acknowledge reoccurring discomfort and decide to do something about it, things rarely improve.  In a conversation with a colleague this week I was reminded of how we, as women, often have years of conditioning that suggests that we should tend to other’s needs first.  This conditioning can affect our selection of a profession, a spouse, where we live, etc.  That conditioning can also affect our own internal guidance system.  Once our own guidance system is compromised, we can be on a path to burnout.

So, how do you re-engage your internal guidance system?

1)      Give yourself permission to feel, particularly those emotions we tend to label as negative – anger, fear, depression, etc.  Notice when you feel dissonance whether in your gut or your heart, or you just have a hunch.  Pay attention.  Ask yourself, “What’s off, what’s not working for me?”  A client who was never allowed to express her dissent as a child recently was delighted when she realized that she had given a presenter feedback that that person had missed the mark because she had not delivered the results promised. Until we talked my client had not realized that she had indeed paid attention to her feelings and done something constructive with them.

2)      Track your satisfaction level.  All of us have job and relationship challenges, however, sometimes we don’t pay attention to how long we have been dissatisfied and what about.  A good way to become aware of the toll that the job or relationship may be taking on you is to journal about the source of dissonance on a regular basis.  Start by exploring the pros and cons of the job, relationship, etc.  What can you do or have you done to shift things?

3)      Notice what your beliefs are about your situation. I know as a teenager, I didn’t believe it was appropriate to rebel against my parent’s requests or values.  Thus, it wasn’t until I was selecting a spouse that my ‘rebel’ showed up; my fiancé mirrored my own rebel!  At 26 I finally had enough distance, literally, from my parents that I believed, “Yes, I can choose my own spouse, values, etc.”  (I would not recommend this being a way to select a spouse, and doing so provided many lessons along the way!) 

Getting perspective on your situation is not always easy when we are simply having conversations with ourselves or with loved ones who have vested interests.  Using a coach or counselor may be a valuable alternative to going solo.

In the meantime, reflect on:

1. How am responding to my emotions such as anger, fear and shame?
2. What am I doing with my persistent dissatisfaction (with a job, relationship, etc.)?
3. What is my current belief about my options in my current situation? 

Dissonance may, indeed, provide some gems for us if we “polish it” and learn what it has to tell us.

What do coming of age boys and women 50 and over coming back from burn-out have in common?  If you have seen the new version of Karate Kid , you know that the star, Dre Parker a 12 year old boy, is forced to move to a new country (China).  When he arrives he has to adjust to an entirely new home, neighborhood and school with its bullies.  We are often similar to Dre when faced with a challenging change.  However, like Dre, when we wholeheartedly take on the challenge, we often can exceed our own expectations.  Three things we can do to support our success in making changes are:

Face the challenge.  Dre was encouraged to face his harassers by an unlikely Kung Fu trainer who becomes his best friend.  The choice to be honest and face them actually escalated the challenge, and it also gave Dre something very solid to focus on, winning a martial arts tournament.  Your focus can be enhanced by having twice as many reasons to make your desired changes as you have reasons not to.  Thus, when you want to quit, you will have yet another reason to persist.  For example, you are likely to find you want to trade in an adrenalin driven life style for a way of living that provides peace and contentment.

Practice the new skills.  Dre is required to do a series of simple, humble tasks over and over again. He tires of them and doesn’t really understand what all he is learning.  What brain science tells us is that if we want to learn new skills we have to replace the old neural pathways with new ones and that takes time and lots of repetition.  Learning to write an impactful 5-7 minute speech often took hours during my first year of  Toastmasters.  Little did I know how that discipline of outlining key points and backing them up with detailed stories would improve not only my speech writing but my thinking!  The practice paid off.  Toastmasters not only gave me a place to improve my skills but unexpected benefits of weekly shared laughter and on-going support.

Find your inner hero.  Dre, discovered his inner hero, a part of him that would not crumble to peer pressure or pain.  He overcame tremendous odds in part thanks to his inner hero.  For me one of the ways that I have jumped into change with a lot more enthusiasm and succeeded is to draw on my inner Diva of Delight. She expands my curiosity, creative thinking and calls me forth in ways that my serious self can’t even imagine.  Change becomes a more intriguing and fun when you discover and cultivate your inner champion who believes in you and gives you new ways to show up.

So, ladies,

Who is your inner champion?
What does she look like (Wonder Woman, Eleanor Roosevelt, Tina Turner)?
What wisdom and skills (courage, tenacity, compassion, irreverence, etc.) can she bring forth in you to enhance your life?

Know that your INNER HEROINE is there for you, walks continuously with you and wants you to have a life you relish.